I don't know.

Today's post is just copy pasta from something I wrote to someone, but I've been trying to come up with a post for the past two weeks and failing, so I figured at the very least I could explain my feelings.  I want to be excited about makeup and fashion, but I'm still struggling to find the acceptable middle ground between where I used to be and where I am now.

I feel like I should be proud of myself for ~*how far I've come*~ in the past year or whatever, but I feel like the fact that I don't like most of the stuff I used to just makes it that much more of a waste. I went from having 2 shelves with several large sets or organizer drawers each, filled with makeup, to having one very small set of 3 drawers mostly full of makeup, and just now, I sorted out what I actually use, and put maybe 1/3 of it in an even smaller organizer for next year. I no longer spend $100+ every month on makeup I'm going to use once, if at all. Same with clothes. I no longer go to the thrift store once a week and come home $25+ poorer with an enormous bag of clothes, most of which I'll never even wear. I'm disgusted by how much I used to buy, even if most of it was on clearance or secondhand. The fact that it was so hard for me to narrow down my makeup collection for college, only to use an even smaller fraction of what I thought was nowhere near enough just makes me feel horribly depressed, like it was completely idiotic for me to have bought all of it, because the enjoyment came from buying it and owning it more than even using it. I liked to be able to say I got a shirt for $.60 at the thrift store, and it took so long for it to get into my head that unless I was going to ever wear it, that was $.60 that I didn't have to spend. I recently got rid of a bunch of clothes, too, and there were I think 45-50 items of clothes, shoes, and purses. If I even spent an average of $3 on each of those things, that's $150 that I didn't have to spend, again, of the extremely narrowed-down selection of things I brought to college. I still feel like I have too much. Maybe I just don't know how to do anything in moderation. Maybe the amount of clothing and makeup I have now is just fine. Maybe I just get obsessed with one extreme or the other, and since I'm done obsessively buying things, I now feel like I need to obsessively purge things from my life. But I feel like I still own too much for any normal person to own, even though I don't want to get rid of any of the stuff I have left. While logically I think he took it to an unhealthy extreme, I wish I could be like John and fit everything I own into the back of a pickup truck with room to spare. I wish I didn't hate myself for everything.